Oneway Glass
by HrinTiyr
Summary: Lighthearted AU. Darcy's early morning with SHIELD. Fury is furious, Tony finally shuts up, Loki is part of the team-sort of, HYDRA is up to something...weird, and someone/s is/are in DEEP trouble! Rated purely for Darcy's "free speech".
1. Chapter 1

**NOT cannon-compliant with any films released after _The Avengers._**

**Oh, and Loki was under the Scepter's/Glow-stick of Destiny's influence during the events of _The Avengers_ (Thanos was puppet-mastering him), and is kinda-sorta trying to make up for what he did by kinda-sorta playing nice, so he's kinda-sorta on the good guys' side. Maybe.**

S.H.I.E.L.D. base, U.S.A.

August 28 0751 Hours

Nobody in the _world_ can give a better "evil eye" than Nick Fury. Of course, that could be due to him only having the one eye. My theory goes something like this: if a bi-ocular person (meaning a person with two eyes) tried to give an "evil eye", then the evilness would be distributed between the eyes—you know, like half the evil in the left eye and half the evil in the right eye. With Fury though, he only has the one eye, so _all_ the evil is expressed in one lens.

Either that, or he's just really, really good at being scary.

And I'm hard to scare. I watch horror movies. I go on _all _the rides and haunted mazes at Busch Garden's Howl-O-Scream thing. I even stick around when an alien machine-thing comes down to Earth and tries to kill a whole bunch of people by shooting fiery destructo-rays out of its _face._ Doesn't faze me.

I ain't gonna mess with Fury, though. Especially now—the guy's on the warpath about something. Okay, the Glare is panning around the room (Avengers and Associates, as I call us, are assembled as ordered around the huge briefing room table). I wait for the Glare to land on the person who's ass I bet Fury is gonna kick to Helheim. The Evil Eye skips over Bruce and Steve (no surprise—goody-two-shoeses), skips over me (I'm next to Steve!) and Jane and Pepper, skips over Tony (shockingly) and Clint and Natasha and Thor, skips over Loki (WHAT THE FUCK? Fury is pissed and Loki is NOT involved? Kudos.), and lands on: Doug. Dougan? What could he have done? Dougan's almost as goody-two-shoes as Steve (though not as hot); I mean, the guy's an actual Eagle Scout, for crying out loud! He's not even an Avenger (not really an Associate either, I suppose); he's head of base security.

Oh. I lean towards Steve and stand up on my tippy toes (I think the super-soldier-serum guy overdid it with the Skele-Gro). "Security breach," I whisper. A few heads (including Steve's!) glance my way, but thankfully Fury is too intent on Dougan to waste a Death Glance on me. I half-expect poor Doug to burst into flames any second now. Gotta give him credit though, 'cause he straightens up, looks Fury in the eye (damn!) and just says: "Sir?"

Scratch credit—that guy deserves a whole credit card. A platinum one.

Fury tilts his head back a smidgeon and puts his hands on his hips, flaring out his long coat in one swift move. I wonder if he studied theater.

"Why," Fury begins, his voice somewhere between Darth Vader and Clint Eastwood at his most badass. There is a pause. A _silent_ one. "Are there six dead HYDRA goons in the Cube room?" His tone is flatter than my feet, which I promptly drop back down onto. HYDRA here? Like, _inside_ our secure pseudo-military base here? In the _Cube room?_ The Cube room is at least five floors below ground level and pretty much dead center in the base. And apparently HYDRA managed to get there. I hope someone has a phone number for Dougan's next of kin.

A quick glance around the room tells me that most of Avengers and Associates have figured it out too. Bruce looks worried but is keeping his cool, of course. Steve (!) is horrified and tense, like it's all he can do not to dash to the scene of the crime right this instant. Jane and Pepper seem concerned with a dash of spooked, Tony is appropriately and therefore surprisingly serious (power sources are kinda his thing after all, and the Cube like the mother of all power sources). Clint looks intent. Natasha looks intent to kill. Thor seems perplexed as to why we're all just standing here instead _doing _something about the crisis. Loki is, as usual, composed with an air of polite interest. Dougan looks like he just got hit with a two-by-four.

"Sir?" Clint dares to ask. "You said 'six _dead_ HYDRA goons', sir?" Wow, Clint doesn't usually do the whole "Sir! Yes, sir!" thing, but I guess he's playing it safe. And he has a good point: if no one knew said goons were here, then who killed them? Everybody looks at Fury, but Phil walks through the door just in time to catch Clint's question.

"Six dead and a seventh in custody," Phil says to the room, then turns to address Fury directly. "The bodies have been moved to the morgue. Doctor Sidnor is looking over them now."

"Did they get to the Cube?" Steve asks suddenly and a bit too loudly, making me jump. Fury finally turns around, the Eye not quite so Evil, but still Seriously Miffed.

"No. But if one of their team hadn't turned traitor, then they would have." There are a few hasty glances toward Loki at the word 'traitor'. Poor guy.

Steve nods and relaxes ever so slightly, then looks to Phil.

"You said you caught one of the HYDRAs?" he asks, at normal volume. Phil nods. "They usually bite a suicide pill if they're captured. Did-?"

"The prisoner has been thoroughly searched and scanned, Captain Rogers. No poison was found." Phil assures. Steve looks more confused than assured, though. I think he's right to be. HYDRA is usually pretty consistent, so what's with this guy letting himself get caught? Something is wrong about this, and I'm not gonna let it slide.

"Why?" I ask, and everybody looks at me. Evil Eye. I stand up straighter (five foot five). "Why'd the seventh goon turn on his buddies? Did he try to take the Cube all for himself, or something?" Avengers and Associates look expectantly at Fury and Phil, the latter of whom glances to the former before answering.

"Looks like it, but it's too late to ask him to confirm that theory."

"I thought you said you had him in custody," Bruce unexpectedly chimed in. That's what it sounded like to me, too, so I look back at Phil for clarification. I think Phil thinks in different ways than most people, and can get a little frustrated when they don't keep up with him.

"No. It was a team of seven. One member went rogue and tried to kill the other six, but the last one reacted in time, and killed the rogue member in self-defense," Phil clarified. Sort of. I decide to clear it up even more.

"So the seventh goon tried to kill the other six goons, but the sixth goon got the drop on the seventh goon and killed him first, and it's the sixth goon that you have in custody because the other six goons are dead?" Twenty-one eyes look at me like I'm a Gordian Knot. I grin.

Avengers and Associ—screw it, A&A (but not AA(except for maybe Tony))—are filing into an observation room to get a look at the goon. As part of the second A group, I'm pretty much the last one in. From the front of the cramped little room, near the one-way glass, comes what sounds like an appreciative wolf-whistle. Huh? Other whisperings and mutterings start, mostly along the lines of "What the…?" and "You've got to be kidding."

Five foot five doesn't do much good with people like Thor and Steve around. Five foot five jumping up and down is still futile. I know from experience. Steve got the funniest look on his face the first time he saw me doing that!

I squish against the wall and scooch past Phil and Bruce and peer around Pepper so I can see through the glass. My jaw drops. The HYDRA goon is…a girl. A regally hot, gorgeously blonde, girl. Well, a woman, actually, not a girl, but still. Whaaat?

I look at Tony; this should be good. A full-out appraising and appreciative smirk on his face, Tony opens his mouth to speak. He pauses, and glances at Pepper (his _girlfriend_), then closes his mouth again. Rats! I was hoping for some epic candidness. Still, that's a major step forward of a different kind. Since I'm standing behind Pepper anyway, I hug her. Anyone awesome enough to make Tony Stark censor himself is irrefutably hug-worthy. Pepper is completely confused, though. I wish I had a camera to capture the expression on her face, but I don't, so I just smile at her and let go.

"So, does HYDRA employ supermodels, or did April Fool's Day get here really really early?" I ask, because it didn't seem like anyone else was going to. Since I'm looking right, toward Phil, I see Bruce, behind me, frown confusedly. I lean toward him and whisper "It's August right now." Poor guy spends too much time in his lab. Then I notice that most everyone else is staring at me in horror. Then I realize why.

"Oh shit."

I did it. I said the words. I said 'April Fool's Day'.

In front.

Of.

Loki.

The second I look at him, he figures it out. The next second, when everyone else looks at him, his face shows nothing but sincere puzzlement.

We are all so seriously screwed.


	2. Only The End Of The World

**NOT cannon-compliant with any films released after _The Avengers._**

**Oh, and Loki was under the Scepter's/Glow-stick of Destiny's influence during the events of _The Avengers_ (Thanos was puppet-mastering him), and is kinda-sorta trying to make up for what he did by kinda-sorta playing nice, so he's kinda-sorta on the good guys' side. Maybe.**

**Darcy is a fan of _Supernatural._**

S.H.I.E.L.D. Base, U.S.A.

March 10 1143 Hours

"What about toilet paper?"

Seems like a sensible enough question to me. Apparently, judging by the looks on their faces, Jane, Bruce, and Natasha hadn't thought of that. Wow. An astrophysicist, a paranormal cellular biologist, and a world-class spyssassin, and not one of them remembers something as basically essential as bathroom tissue. Fail. Epic.

"Hey, we _are_ prepping for the apocalypse, you know. Seems to me there should be a secret stock of toilet paper." How sad that I have to point that out.

"The apocalypse?" Bruce echoes skeptically. He opens the door on what looks like a high-tech breadbox, and frigid air plumes out. With tongs, he takes out a covered Petri dish that's glowing slightly, then shuts the box again. I really hope S.H.I.E.L.D. isn't messing with Croatoan virus or something. That would mean that Niveus Pharmaceuticals and the big Archangelic planet-destroying showdown are all real, and that would kind of suck. On the other hand, it means the Winchester boys are real, too, and that would be SWEET. Lickably.

Bruce puts the Petri dish under a UV lamp and switches it on, making the hopefully-not-Croatoan-virus glow brighter. "Isn't 'apocalypse' a little extreme?" he asks.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Natasha says, eyeing the glowing dish distrustfully. "This is Loki we're talking about, and he's had seven months to prepare. What worries me most is that we can't find any _evidence_ that he's doing_ anything_. We can't prepare adequately if we don't know what to prepare for."

"Hello! Apocalypse! I thought we established that." I look to Jane for help. Surprisingly, she delivers.

"According to Thor, absence of proof sort of _is_ proof when it comes to Loki's style of making trouble. And with seven months worth of prep time," she nodded to Natasha, "who knows what he could do?"

Everybody's quiet, looking at each other.

I hate it when things get this serious.

Natasha takes a bracing deep breath (The Black Widow never _sighs_—come on, people, get real) and turns to leave. "Every S.H.I.E.L.D. outpost and ally in the world is on high alert. Whatever hell Loki raises, we'll put it down." And with that, she stalks silently away.

Bruce, Jane, and I do the awkward everybody-glance-at-everybody-else thing again.

I _really_ hate it when things get this serious. I point at the Petri dish.

"Is that Croatoan virus?"

Bruce's eyebrows furrow confusedly. Jane rolls her eyes.

In the shadows, Loki smiles.


	3. Apocalypse Was NOT A Bit Extreme

**April 1**

No.

On the TV right now.

NO.

Just no.

No fucking way this is happening.

_I'm the one who told him._

I blink. I swallow. _Repeat as needed._

"Jane?"

No response.

"Um…Jane?"

Still nothing. I risk pulling my eyes away from the screen for split-second glance at my friend. Mouth open, eyes a-gogging at the TV, standing paralyzed by utter disbelief; pretty much how I feel. Bruce was wrong; "apocalypse" was _not_ a bit extreme. Though, it's weird that a _Norse_ god would pick this version. And, how sad that we Earthlings have _multiple versions_ of apocalypses. Apocalypsoes? Apocalypseses? Whatever.

But still…

_No fucking way…_

In my peripheral vision I see Jane literally shake herself. She swallows. She probably blinks. She possibly repeats as needed.

Wow, this is how we react to a crisis. It's suddenly depressingly clear why they won't let me on the Heroes Team.

_I'm the one who told him._

Jane points at the screen. "Are…are those…?"

Huh. So even Jane Foster, the call-it-like-it-is-even-if-it-gets-me-laughed-out-of-respected-acadamia proponent of weird-but-true stuff, cannot quite force out the words to describe what we're seeing. Looks like it's up to me. Again. As usual.

I take a bracing deep breath (pretend to be like Black Widow), plant my hands on hips (pretend I'm dramatically wearing a bad-ass long black coat and studied theater), and glare at the screen showing _LIVE FROM TEL MEGIDDO, ISRAEL_.

"You mean," I begin, as, on screen, a levitating, red-furred horse with a sword-wielding rider punts a red-caped god into a red-run river. Jane and I wince and hold our breath until Thor re-emerges from what I hope isn't actually a river of actual blood. Because eeww.

"You mean," I have to gulp again, "'Are those the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?'"

On screen, Pestilence (riding a white horse, wearing a crown, and wielding a bow) and Hawkeye are taking shots at each other. Famine, on a huge black horse that can fly, and who can apparently turn a pair of scales into a whip/lasso/rope-dart weapon, is trying to ensnare Iron Man. War is now facing off against the Hulk; Thor, now completely red (_please don't be real blood)_ is now aiding Black Widow and Captain America _(Steve!)_ in fighting things that look an awful lot like what I imagine as _demons_. All while the ground beneath them is trembling and occasionally cracking open in _chasms_ that are, yes, spewing what is probably hellfire. I cross my fingers and hope that it won't start raining frogs or something, because, really, poor froggies.

"Wait…," Jane says, in her something-profound-just-occurred-to-me voice.

I give her my patent-pending you-are-the-dumbest-smart-person-I-have-ever-met look, because really? Wait for what? The end of the world?

_I'm the one who told him._

"Jane, we are, right now, watching Armageddon on CNN, so whatev–"

"_Biblical_ Armageddon. Loki is Norse. Why–"

She's wondering this now? How can geniuses be so geniusy about super-complicated stuff but not catch on to stuff that _I_ thought of two hours ago. Okay, two minutes ago. Same diff.

"He's a _trickster_, Jane_._ He's _the_ Trickster. And it's April Fools' Day." _ I'm the one who told him._ "So the _god of mischief_, fuck-all whatever pantheon he's from, can do whatever the fuck he wants. And I just kinda shouted at you and I'm sorry but holy shit _I'm the one who told him about today_ and please tell me this is just a joke or illusion or _something_ and he didn't really…this isn't really…" _the end of the world._

I really hate it when things get this serious.

On the screen, Famine has managed to lasso Iron Man, but they're both still airborne and caught for a moment in some kind of flying, spiraling, centrifugal tug-of-war. That seems to be just what Famine wants, though, because he releases Iron Man at the perfect time to send him careening into Thor, and the impact dunks them both back into the bloody river.

Loki's probably laughing his ass off.


End file.
